Doulos Hope Diaries: Our Love Story (3/4)

I didn't know if I would ever see Evert again.

I'm not coming back to the ship. And Evert will be staying on for a year. He will be meeting hundreds, if not thousands of girls from all over the world. I didn't know if he was infatuated with me. Maybe he was. Maybe when he meets a pretty white or Latina girl, he'd realize how silly he was when he was with me.

Yeah, that's it. Evert did tell me he thought I was very pretty, but I think he's delusional. Put me in a room with 10 other girls and I'd be in the lower half. He's definitely infatuated because I am friendly and like talking to him.

I didn't want to bring home emotional baggage. So I decided not to make room for emotional baggage.

I started avoiding being around Evert. When he asked if we could walk in the park after work, I said no, I have other plans with the girls. When he asked if we could have tea together tonight, I said no, I'm going out with my co-worker.

And I felt bad, very bad. I felt guilty for brushing Evert off so casually, as if his company meant nothing to me. But I did not want to carry home with me more baggage than the one I carried on the ship.

On the last night of me and my friends' stay onboard, we were gathered in the dining room to have a little farewell time and take photos. I wasn't part of my friends' bigger friend group, so I sat at the back of the dining room and watched the rain and lightning from the slanted window.

I sat on the floor, so I was hidden behind the table and chairs but then I heard a deep "Do you mind if I join you?". I looked up and there was Evert, looking down at me hopefully, with a mug of tea in his hand.

"That's fine," I said. "I'm just sitting here."

Evert stood beside me while I remained sitting. We had some small talk before I realized people are going to think Evert is crazy, talking to himself and the window and to the empty space beside him. So I stood up. (And much later on, my friend Evangeline sent me this photo that she sneakily took. Thank you, I really love it. 😄)

After a little while, Evert asked if I would like to have a cup of tea on Deck 5? I wanted to say no, but I valued Evert's friendship. I didn't want to be so selfish and heartless. Deep down, I DID want to spend time with him.

This time, I felt like something was different. There was tension and uncertainty in the air. We talked a little bit (there was always something to talk about) before there was a lull. And I knew what was going to happen next. Evert was going to ask the big question. I had not prepared myself for this moment, but I was ready.

I can't tell you what he said that night, because it was only for me (just kidding—I can't remember what he said that night). But I remember it was the sweetest thing I've ever heard. He confessed his attraction to me, and his desire to hopefully know me better as more than just a friend, with the possibility of working towards marriage if we are compatible, and if it is what I want as well. However, if I do not think there is a possibility of a relationship together, then he would rather if I tell him 'No' right now.

He said all of that in such a mature, gentlemanly and sweet manner that I was more impressed with his character and priorities than the fact that Evert liked me so much.

It was a 'yes' or 'no' answer that Evert wanted, and I liked that he knew what he wanted. I liked that Evert would be ready to move on and remain as friends if I said 'no'.

I could not say 'yes', because I wanted to have my family's approval and insight before I entered something huge. But something inside was yelling at me to not say 'no'.

I told Evert 'maybe'. Because I was not ready, and I don't know what my feelings are towards him, and I wanted to be sure if whatever these feelings we both had were actual long-term feelings or mere infatuation. But that I say 'maybe' because I do like him, but I'd rather marry my best friend, and I don't know if we'll be best friends.

And that was it. We hugged each other for a long time. And suddenly, I missed this man. I had found a wonderful friend on the ship, and now I'm leaving.

The next morning, he showed up at my cabin door when Evangeline and I was packing, and he gave me an envelope.

"This is a letter for you," he said. "It was lovely getting to know you. I hope you travel back home safely."

I returned home.