Doulos Hope Diaries: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (2/4)

Belle, [7/6/2023 9:18 PM]

It all started when R and I were put together as a team for C-Day. We were together with another woman called J. He wanted meetings to discuss what we would do for C-Day, and he always called them short meetings and short time of prayer, which is what I expected.

I would go, we would discuss the points, pray, then leave. Each 'short' meeting always ended up to be 45 minutes to more than an hour, discussing about things but never deciding on what exactly we can agree on doing together. That was the beginning of my frustrations.

I would suggest a place and list out the pros and cons but they would be brushed away and there would be more dilly-dallying, which annoyed me to the moon and back as I had courses and writings to finish.

Finally, we agreed on a plan where we would approach people asking if they could share their story as I write stories about people and if they were comfortable having their pictures taking. The goal was for them to share their stories, and to build friendships. Only if they share their stories, we could ask if there's anything we could pray for them about.

We were not going to preach Christ to them, but we were only going to build friendships and reflect Christ through our own lives.

When we came to the park, there were two Filipino girls sitting on a bench facing the lake and away from us. They had food set up on the bench and were ready to eat when R approached them from behind, knelt down and started talking to them and telling them about us.

"All of us are together and we're doing this little project. She writes stories and I take photographs. Is it okay if we talk with the both of you and take a photograph of you two?"

I felt second-hand embarrassment as I saw that these two girls clearly did not want to be disturbed and wanted to eat but didn't know how to say no. "So where are you two from? Philippines? Wow that's a nice place."

I couldn't stand it anymore, and didn't want him to give off a bad impression of Christians so I interrupted and said, "You guys enjoy your food, if you want your photographs taken we can always come back, but enjoy your food! Thank you, bye!"

The two girls smiled at me, said bye and we left. R was not happy. He told me to not stop the conversation next time. I told him that the girls were just about to eat and they wouldn't listen to what we had to say since they were JUST about to eat, and they would feel annoyed. He said that he was only planning to give out the literature so I nodded and said that next time I'll let him do his own thing.

The next time however, he approached a middle-aged lady and they talked about what she did. Gardening, Chinese drums and more. Somewhere along the conversation R asked if she was OK. She said yes, she's OK. Health, OK? Yup everything is OK. Family, no issues? Everything is good. Do you know where you will go, Heaven or Hell?

I got so weirded out. The aunty immediately said she doesn't mind where she goes as long as she has a good life. Then R passed her some literature and said here, take this, it's for you. And the aunty was like, no, it's okay, I know all these. My daughter's a pastor. R was like, 'You sure?' And she was like, 'Yes, my daughter's a pastor. OK. Thank you. Bye.' and she left.

At that point I wanted to split the team into twos because I didn't want to come across as intimidating, nor did I want to associate myself with evangelical Christians that seemed to care more for numbers than the person.

At first, I thought I would be okay with it, but now I have decided that this kind of ministry isn't something I can see myself doing.

Long story short, I managed to split together with another friend that came along, and we went in a different direction to do a prayer walk.

R wasn't happy that I was splitting the team because he said we were supposed to work together as a team. I told him that we are still a team, but doing different things.

My friend Jairus and I had a good conversation during our prayer walk, and we passed out some bookmarks just in case we were asked if we passed out literature.

Although we didn't do street evangelism, we did discipleship ministry where we sowed into each other's lives with godly advice and encouragement.

We met up again after an hour, and everyone was happy with how the day went. We went back to the ship, and I retired to my cabin to work on my writing and Bible courses. 10 minutes after I had sat down and started writing, R called me to say that we were going to have a 'short debrief'.

"Short debrief?" I said, "Okay, it better be, since I have stuff to do."

I went up to the dining room, where R and J were there already. "You look busy, have a lot of things to do is it?" I gave him a small smile and said, tiredly, "Yes, I do. This debrief better be short yea, since I have stuff to do. Right. Let's start."

R gave me a smile and said, "Why don't you just take some time to spend time with the team a bit more, you know?" I was already really tired and annoyed that I was interrupted while relaxing. I said, "So, what now?" R's smile left and the rest of the 'debrief meeting' was just to ask me why I wanted to split the team, if anything happened with me during the day, what I thought, and so on.

"I just want honest feedback from all of you," R said, including J in as well even though I really was the only problem. "Honest feedback, can you give me honest feedback? Remember that we're not working together as Galley team but as Doulos Hope team."

In my mind, I went 'Bruh, since when did we have any problems as a Galley team? Clearly he has some beef with me.'

"Shore," was all I said, and I gave him my honest feedback. I told him how this isn't a ministry I would do well in considering it doesn't line up with my personality and values and I told him about the intimidation from big groups and how splitting up in smaller numbers would work better.

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure there's nothing else?"

"Yup."

"Okay, I have a question for you, Belle. Is that okay?"

I sighed internally. This dude did not believe me when I told him that was all. "Yes. Of course. If you have a question for me...just ask."

R nodded, adjusted himself in his seat. Then he asks, "Are you OK?"

I nearly lifted my eyebrow in disbelief. "Yes. I am OK."

"Are you sure you're OK?"

Now, I looked at him weird, with a frown. "Yes. I AM okay. I already told you that I'm okay. I'm not lying, R."

He didn't probe further, although he wasn't satisfied. "Okay, I guess that's all. Can you close in prayer, Belle?" he asked, with a smile. I was too tired to think up of a good prayer, so I said, "I think you'll do better if you closed in prayer. Maybe you should close in prayer."

R gave me another smile, "You sure?", I nodded. he smiled again, lifted both hands, glanced at both of us, pointed up and looked up at the ceiling. "Let's come before God as we close in prayer."

Immediately after saying that, his smile left, his tone changed, he pointed irritatedly at me and said, coldly. "Don't sit like that." Then he began to pray.

I sat there, in shock. I was simply sitting with one leg crossed over the other, like how ladies sit, and now, of all times I sat like this during prayer, I can't sit like this anymore?

I was so taken aback that I couldn't focus on what he was praying. Did it matter what he said, anyway? Everything felt fake.

He put on a pretense, showing me that he cared for me, asked if I was OK, and a split second later, harshly calls me out for sitting a certain way while praying.

If we really wanted to do this right and come before God 'properly', we shouldn't be sitting at all: we should be faceplanted on the floor.

After he prayed, the smile came back again, that cold smile. He lifted his hand, gestured for me to give him a high-five. At this point I was too tired, too disturbed for politeness. I frowned a little bit, shook my head, sighed and gave him a stupid high five.

He was pleased, and he then said, "Can you give me a smile please?"

I wanted to vomit.

"Bro," I said, weirded out to the max and incredibly disgusted. I was tired, and I didn't have the energy to smile. Not smiling didn't mean I had beef with him, but he apparently thought so.

It felt like he was treating me like a little kid that just threw a tantrum. I was thoroughly disgusted. I gave him a forced smile and left, shaking my head.

Weird people.

R is proving to be a challenge. Because I only have 3 people on my shift including myself, I set up a system where each of us prioritizes one area before going over to another area to help out. The concept isn't to box people up in one physical area, but to ensure that all tasks in each area are completed simultaneously.

I gave the example of me in the middle of lining the bins with trash bags when I got the message to take out the provisions that arrived in the elevator in the Galley.

Since I was the only person who knew how to sort the items, and R was with me, I asked him to take over the bin linings and I went in to carry things out from the elevator. Moments later, R comes in and asks what can he do to help. I thought he had finished with the bin lining but when we were done, I went out and saw that the bins were in the exact same state as I left them. I ended up completing the bins myself because he had disappeared.

The whole concept of the new system was to ensure that you prioritize completing the tasks in your assigned area—I was in Galley, where I had to prioritize the end-of-the-day provision sorting, and R was in Dining Room, where he had to prioritize the lining of the bins.

However, since I was free (as the provisions didn't arrive until much later), I could help out with tasks in the Dining Room. But when I was needed in the Galley, AND R was available in the Dining Room, I could leave the Dining Room tasks I was doing to the person in charge of completing them (R) to complete my Galley tasks.

I also clarified that this system is a test-run, and I am open to feedback and suggestions if things don't seem to work out. At the end of the day, when we had a debrief and I asked for their thoughts regarding the new system, both R and Insun agreed it was a good system as we all were able to focus on one area while still having the flexibility of helping others if available, and as a result, being able to finish our shifts early.

I had an off-day the next day, and the day after (today), we had a Galley meeting. This was when R started to criticize me as a leader and the new system I implemented.

He said many, many things, including words I couldn't remember I said. I didn't give instructions on what to do first, but simply assumed, and when he didn't do things in order, I 'scolded' him, asking 'Why are you doing this? You're supposed to do that' I said I don't remember telling him that, but he interrupted and continued. There was no flexibility in the new system: when someone needs help, he can't help the person, and it's inefficient.

I figured, after listening to him quietly, that this was simply a miscommunication on my part. I told him that and I said "I assumed you knew what you were doing because you seemed to know what you're doing, after the familiarization we all had and the training you got from the other guy. Things still get done at the end of the day. The new system I put in was to ensure that everything gets done simultaneously so we finish earlier. However, if something needs extra help in other departments, depending on how immediate it has to be done, you do have the flexibility of helping. This system is not to box you up in one area, but to help get things done more efficiently with the lack of people we have right now. But, if I understand correctly, you would like me to give you step-by-step instructions on what is to be prioritized first. Correct?"

I wasn't able to say that many things in one go because I kept getting interrupted, which annoyed the heck out of me. He continued saying that as a leader, I should have given the instructions from the beginning instead of assuming they knew what to do and then scolding them when they didn't do things right—completely disregarding what I told him about miscommunication on my part.

At this point, I figured it was useless to come to a solution and end it there and then, so I kept quiet and simply nodded as he complained further.

Mells, the other shift leader, the more blunt and direct one, spoke up and said that yes, we didn't give step-by-step instructions as we should have, as leaders, but at the same time, because of the lack of people, everyone is thrown into work and expected to figure things out themselves.

Both leaders understand where he's coming from because we both experienced it as well, but worse, as there were times where we were the only person working in the Galley. But when both shift leaders have free time, we will go through the whole tour together.

R didn't have anything to say after that, or so it seemed. The meeting ended and I was glad. Solution found and there would be more communication going forward. I was done and ready to move on. Zheng got up to fetch the cheesecakes he baked for us; Lukas got up to fetch the cookies he prepared and Mells got up to check on the Gnocchi she was preparing for dinner. The rest of us waited around the table.

The moment they left, R tapped the table and said to me, "Ah Belle, I need to talk to you about something."

"Shore," I said, nodding, and pulled out Mells' chair for him to sit. "Here."

The dude sat so close to me, leaning into my personal space on my armrest, that I leaned back, taken aback and incredibly uncomfortable.

"Can you please sit over there please?" I asked, gesturing with my hand. "You're too close and it's uncomfortable."

All he did was give me an annoyed look. "R," I said again, "Can you please sit over there? You're sitting too close."

But clearly he wasn't happy that I was telling him to do that, so I moved my chair further back. I couldn't think of any way I could be more polite than that.

"So," I said pleasantly, after moving back. "What is it that you want to talk about?"

He looked at me with his cold eyes, and in a low harsh tone, he said "I don't like how you talk to me."

Taken aback, I frowned. "How do I talk to you?"

He proceeded to bring up everything that was brought up during the Galley meeting, and I sighed internally. "I don't like how you talk to me, 'Why are you doing this, you're supposed to do that'. It's very disrespectful. You never give me any instructions on what to do. How am I supposed to know what I'm supposed to do when you never tell me what to do?"

I interrupted him and said, "I'm sorry, if I talked to you in a disrespectful tone. If I happen to talk to you disrespectfully again for no reason, please let me know."

He continued to bash me, before I had enough and I interrupted him, and said what I said in the Galley meeting: "Next time, I will give you specific instructions. Correct? Correct. And you also want more flexibility. Correct? Correct. Good. Would you like a cookie?"

And by then everyone was there, and so he shut up, but I knew he wasn't satisfied.

However, on my part, I knew what was my fault and what I needed to communicate more on, and that was that.

Later on, in my cabin, Julie and Mells wanted to know what's up. I told them and they confirmed that R is a control freak: instructing Julie on what to do in the dishwasher despite him working for only a day whereas Julie has worked for a month. Mells said that R wants to gain leadership position as fast as possible, which is why he keeps sucking up to Lukas and never pays attention to what we say.

Working with R will be interesting. Interesting people.