How To Support Kids

-written for my father's uni law course mate who brings kids on a day outing every year as her yearly tradition-

TLDR: All they need is encouragement. 

THINK BETTER

Every child is different, in the way they process and respond to situations. Generally, some may be more pessimistic and others more optimistic. Pessimistic children usually take more time and effort to shape their mindset in a way that doesn't result in bad or self-limiting decisions. 

(I myself used to be very pessimistic, and I tend to be more pessimistic when it comes to my future, etc. But I worked very hard to change how I view life)

The only way you can find that out is to really talk to them. Ask them questions like how do you feel about your future? What are you looking forward to? Is education important to you? Do you think you're intelligent? Diligent? Hardworking? Why or why not? 

BUT those types of things mostly require more intentional one-on-ones, which you may not be able to do. However, in moments where you have an opportunity to talk to a child during an outing, I believe it'd be a valuable moment to encourage them to think about LIFE in a way that is full of chances and opportunities for them to completely change themselves and their future for the better.

For example, one of the ways I encourage myself and my siblings (and sometimes the people around me) is that...you're x years old. You have x years left until you turn...80. IMAGINE how much you can achieve with x years. You've already learned and changed so much in ONE year. Imagine your learning but TIMES 10 (or 20, 30, 40, 50 etc). 

BEHAVIOR

Children in the orphanage are there because of abandonment, parental death, abuse, etc. And generally what's lacking is their lack of role models. That means if they're old enough to remember what happened, it becomes a deep rooted issue in their life which would manifest as different destructive things (workaholic, addict, abusive, irresponsibility, spendthrift, sexual promiscuity). 

Even if they were babies when they became orphans, when they grow older, the reality of their situation might hit them and they could respond in a negative way. Then it'll show in how they make decisions or view life. 

It could be very subtle, like a character flaw or a not-so-great personality trait like excessive spending, but it could be traced to them growing up 'poor' in an orphanage, unable to afford the things they like. 

Or, for younger children, they might be attention seekers in all the wrong areas because they did not receive adequate attention or love or quality time when they were in the orphanage. OR, on the other side of the spectrum, they might close themselves off because they grew up thinking they're not valuable or important. 

So, if you see that in the children, perhaps this may be a reminder that each flawed behavior leads to a lack of something. 

RELATIONSHIPS

Another thing I find is that with orphanages, more often than not, there is a lack of parental substitutes. Mostly the kids will have a mother figure because women tend to run orphanages, but not so much a father figure. 

So I do believe that men should be encouraged to spend time with the orphan kids and be a father figure to them, even if it's not everyday. Even a single instance of bonding can have an eternal domino effect. 

But as a woman, your role in being their motherly mentor is not diminished. If I'm in your position, I would definitely be their motherly role model, but I would keep encouraging both girls and boys alike to choose godly and wise men to follow, learn from and look up to. 

The reason why I think this is so important especially for children without parents is that the chances of them continuing the cursed cycle of their family is quite high. 

There's a very old saying that daughters choose partners that most resemble their dad, and sons choose women like their mom. It is not true 100% of the time, although my boyfriend is almost exactly like my father in character and personality, and even mindset. But I do not resemble my boyfriend's late mother. 

However, the truth in that saying still stands. Children, people, like the familiar, whether or not it is good or bad for them. 

With children in the orphanage, they more often than not had bad parental figures, and obviously we want to try to prevent them from making the same mistakes unconsciously when they are older. 

YOUR ROLE AS ENCOURAGER

What YOU can do for these children, during your outings, is to encourage them in relationships and friendships. To have standards that are godly, excellent, and healthy. 

And it doesn't matter how old they are. In the Bible it says to repeat the things of God to your children, and to make sure wherever they go in the house, they can see it written on the wall, and the door, and on their foreheads (so when they look in the mirror they can be reminded again of God), so that they will not forget God's word. It ties to another verse that says to bring up your child in the way they should go, so when they grow up, they will not depart from it. 

I speak from my own experience. When I was 6 years old, my dad would always tell me, during EVERY meal and every time we spent time together: "Don't waste your time on boys, focus on studies." and "Work on your character. Inner beauty is more eternal than outside beauty". I don't remember my father spending an hour lecturing me. It was a few seconds of principles repeated again and again throughout the years. And that has really shaped how I prioritize things in my life, even now as a 21 year old. 

Your encouragement, even if it's just a brief day outing, helps with their bringing up. And it will have a domino effect. They may remember you as the woman who always encourages them to think big and beyond whenever you spend time with them. 

I have two people in my life that I don't spend time with at all, probably once every 3-5 years if we ever meet up. Both of them (who don't know each other), have this principle of learning from movies. When I am with them, they always encourage me to watch specific movies and to discuss what are the life lessons that can be gained from the movie. 

One of them gave me a little book titled 'The Little Prince' for my birthday and she discussed with me what it means for each element of the story and illustrations, and in the book she wrote an encouraging message, of how she hopes I will see the world as beautifully as The Little Prince did. 

Last time I saw her was about...actually can't remember because that was when I was 14 or 15 years old. Still a young child. 

So yes, one single act or sentence of encouragement, can result in a lifetime memory and reminder for that one child, even if they're going through trauma or not. 

SIMPLE FACTORS 

I believe that generally, helping children through their trauma or grief is simple, but might seem or feel complex because it takes a long time to see them heal completely. 

I speak from my boyfriend's experience. He lost his biological parents when he was a teenager (so he is an orphan), but thank God that he had an aunt and an uncle that took him and his siblings in and raised them up well. He has good parental figures. He hopes to not be like his father, so in that area, he still is on a long journey of completely forgiving his father and what he did. 

But the reason for him being such a mentally and emotionally healthy gentleman now is from the years of discipline and godly counsel and mentoring from his aunt+uncle, the church, church camps and multiple godly mentors in his life. Throughout his life there was something that was always present that made him look forward to keep living. 

So, a couple factors there: 

1. mentors 

2. God (a reason for living beyond himself) 

3. encouragement 

HELPFUL THINGS I DID

Now, I personally wouldn't say I suffer from trauma. But the things that have helped me through my angsty, depressed years during puberty and through some hard situations in my life are things that help anyone no matter what they've gone through. 

These are the things: 

Writing it down:

It really helps to organize jumbled thoughts and emotions, and to slowly work your way through your emotions. It helped me to face a lot of the deep rooted issues in my life that were causing some of the bad mindsets and behaviors I displayed every day. 

Having someone to talk to that I truly trust: 

I once had someone who wanted me to talk to her about my problems but I didn't trust her and I refused to open up to her. She was not a bad person, but she wasn't the person I wanted to open up to. But there were other people in my life that I was very willing to open up and seek advice from. 

If a child doesn't want to open up to you, that's okay, you're not their choice of person, but keep encouraging them to talk about it, reflect, write it down.  

I don't have any books on working with children with trauma or individuals with trauma, but a big source of knowledge and wisdom I have is listening to Jordan B Peterson. He's a clinical psychologist who is great at explaining people and why we do the things we do. 

YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE

In the end, what I've realized with myself, my own siblings (without trauma, but just normal angsty stuff) and my close friends who are dealing with actual trauma (which resulted in being suicidal, self-harming, addiction, self-identity issues), is that people can't change them at ALL. Even my constant encouragement doesn't really seem like it helped most of the time.

Only THEY can decide if they want to get out of their situation and turn their lives around for the better. The only thing people around them can do is to just encourage them and make it easier for them to choose to make that change. (Expose them to healthy relationships, friendships. Expose them to a life more wonderful and exciting than they think. Show them the joys of learning and how much they can achieve through discipline, hard work and diligence. Show them the importance of reflecting and writing down and critical thinking, of talking to others, etc)

I didn't write about whether or not you should bring up the topic of what happened to their parents because in the end, it's the child's choice of sharing their trauma with you. 

In the end, your main purpose is to be an encourager in their lives. And if they share their trauma with you, all you can do is to listen and then encourage them to think and reflect in a way that helps them to deal with it and reach forgiveness. Then pray for them afterwards in a way that is encouraging. 

CONCLUSION

This has been a very long essay, but I hope it's helped you to prioritize how you do your outings (fun activities, with emphasis on intentionally encouraging the kids, instead of only having fun), or given you some insight into what works or what doesn't. (What works: always encouraging. What doesn't work: Trying to change them - giving unwanted advice or trying to get them to open up to you) 

Again, if you remember nothing at all from this, I hope you remember only this one thing: 

Always be encouraging. It helps anybody no matter what they've gone through.